Oh, Lent. A good one can make for a joyful and meaningful Easter, and a poor one can make for a PITA Easter, whose main issue is at whose parents' house to convene. I must confess that I absolutely dread Lent this year, primarily because I have determined that this Lent I must be joyful. I must be happy. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, realizes how almost laughable this goal is, and how it will be more difficult for me than giving up chocolate any day of the week. I don't do joyful. I do dark, brooding, sarcastic, put-upon, and melancholic. It is who I am (no, really, it is! I took a personality test!). Unfortunately, it's not getting me anywhere. My children snap at each other, my husband doesn't think I'm sweet (he called me that once when I was 18; 15 years later, I still remember it with fond amazement), and I have a friend who is so genuinely happy that it radiates from her like sunbeams. I wonder what it would be like to...well, to be like that. Part of me likes my "shtick". It's genuine, but it's also kind of farcical. I haven't quite concluded why people think I'm so funny. Am I the perpetual fat girl making people laugh (regardless of what my weight may be any given year), or is that dark sarcasm that just boils over into every day life? Regardless, on the inside I am grateful, and I am going to use Lent to scrape away some outer layers to let that gratitude shine through. It may very well kill me.

On another note, the ever-odd T has decided to read Shakespeare. Yes, she's 7. There are many, many heavy and dark books lining my bookshelves. She asked if any of them contained the great Bard. I pointed to that one (the Tragedies), and that one (the Comedies), and that other one (misc. works). She pulled out the Tragedies (she is *so* my child) and pulled up some couch. I'm sure she'll get back to me when she's ready. The very next day, I rebuked her for something at lunch. She turned away from me and rolled her eyes Heavenward. I came somewhat unglued, and rebuked her even more sharply for her show of disrespect. She turned to me incredulously. "But, Mommy," she implored, "I was praying to Jesus to help me not to talk back to you!". What will I ever do with this child?? I studied her face for signs of dissembling, but just couldn't tell. I hmmphed, and suggested that in the future, her prayers should probably not included eye rolling when I was already peeved with her, as it might serve only to inflame the situation.

I apply for freelance jobs almost every day, but get no responses. I wonder if it is more indicative of a) the glut in the freelance market b) the economy c) the fact that God wants me to focus on caring for my family. I once told my friend that God would not drop Vin Diesel through the Church roof as a sign to her that she should begin dating (long story), but it would be nice if such overt signs were part of his oeuvre. I think I'll speak to Him about that.

I have neglected my personal blogs since taking a job here http://www.meltingpotproject.com. There is only so much time in the day. M and M-C are four years old today, which is not bittersweet for me - it's really just bitter. I miss them being babies. I miss all of them being babies. I miss babies in general. I feel as if I know how to parent babies competently.

I can certainly present my older children with plenty of lessons in virtue drawn from my own life. I am struggling with something now that I did probably five or more years ago, but whose repercussions will not stop...repercussing. I said something, completely in innocence and without malice (actually Principal tells me that I never even said this thing - I am just so used to people attributing it to me that I have assumed that I said something like it. He was there - he should know). In any case, like the childrens' game of telephone, this thing was repeated and made ugly and vile and "got back" to the person about whom I supposedly said this thing. As a result, I am essentially persona non grata on one side of my family. At worst, I repeated an item of gossip in what I thought was a private conversation. At best, I didn't say anything at all, and something someone else said was repeated and attributed to me. I have suffered such angst over this whole thing that I am no longer even sure about anything. All I know is that I did not say what is attributed to me. I also know that for all of these years, not one person has questioned whether or not I could even be capable of such ugliness. Everyone has just assumed that it is true. That is what hurts the most.

My point is simply this: I should have guarded my tongue in the original conversation so many years ago. Words always have the potential to hurt. Just because you think you are having a private conversation doesn't mean that you are, and it really doesn't matter, because you should never say anything unkind regardless. In my own defense, in this particular conversation, I said nothing unkind, but I certainly have in other conversations. God gave me a clever wit and a sharp tongue, and I don't always use them for the powers of good. I ought to, because the consequences can be long-lasting. God's gifts should be used to honor Him, and *that* is the lesson that I try to instill in my children.

A study of virtue can really aid in this endeavor. Saints can be marvelous examples. St. Lawrence had a quick wit, if legend is to be believed. As my patron saint, I often ask him to guard my tongue. He really needs to step up his efforts! ;) I will do my children such a favor if I can keep them from being like me. With this post, I am officially putting this ugly incident to bed. I am an N family pariah, and that's how it is. I can't waste any more time mourning the situation. It is what it is, and I can't fix it.