I have neglected my personal blogs since taking a job here http://www.meltingpotproject.com. There is only so much time in the day. M and M-C are four years old today, which is not bittersweet for me - it's really just bitter. I miss them being babies. I miss all of them being babies. I miss babies in general. I feel as if I know how to parent babies competently.

I can certainly present my older children with plenty of lessons in virtue drawn from my own life. I am struggling with something now that I did probably five or more years ago, but whose repercussions will not stop...repercussing. I said something, completely in innocence and without malice (actually Principal tells me that I never even said this thing - I am just so used to people attributing it to me that I have assumed that I said something like it. He was there - he should know). In any case, like the childrens' game of telephone, this thing was repeated and made ugly and vile and "got back" to the person about whom I supposedly said this thing. As a result, I am essentially persona non grata on one side of my family. At worst, I repeated an item of gossip in what I thought was a private conversation. At best, I didn't say anything at all, and something someone else said was repeated and attributed to me. I have suffered such angst over this whole thing that I am no longer even sure about anything. All I know is that I did not say what is attributed to me. I also know that for all of these years, not one person has questioned whether or not I could even be capable of such ugliness. Everyone has just assumed that it is true. That is what hurts the most.

My point is simply this: I should have guarded my tongue in the original conversation so many years ago. Words always have the potential to hurt. Just because you think you are having a private conversation doesn't mean that you are, and it really doesn't matter, because you should never say anything unkind regardless. In my own defense, in this particular conversation, I said nothing unkind, but I certainly have in other conversations. God gave me a clever wit and a sharp tongue, and I don't always use them for the powers of good. I ought to, because the consequences can be long-lasting. God's gifts should be used to honor Him, and *that* is the lesson that I try to instill in my children.

A study of virtue can really aid in this endeavor. Saints can be marvelous examples. St. Lawrence had a quick wit, if legend is to be believed. As my patron saint, I often ask him to guard my tongue. He really needs to step up his efforts! ;) I will do my children such a favor if I can keep them from being like me. With this post, I am officially putting this ugly incident to bed. I am an N family pariah, and that's how it is. I can't waste any more time mourning the situation. It is what it is, and I can't fix it.

After a two week vacation, the Academy is back in session. I took the first week off because my house really needed some TLC. I could not go out of town, and then face coming back to my house the way it was. Make no mistake: it still looks like a bomb went off. The collateral damage is just slightly more tolerable. On Friday of that first week, we all got up at 3:30 a.m. and left for Walt Disney World in Orlando. Along the way, we spent a day or so in St. Augustine, FL to soak up some history (it's the site of Ponce de Leon's landing in the U.S., and his supposed founding of the Fountain of the Youth, in addition to the location of the oldest Church in the U.S.). The kids did wonderfully at Disney. There was almost no complaining at all. They asked for nothing (no food, drinks, souveneirs, etc.). We had a suite at our hotel, so we ate nothing in the parks. We breakfasted in our hotel room, brought lunch into the park, and then ate dinner again in our hotel room. I know the kids must have drooled a little at the site of all those hamburgers and french fries (to say nothing of the Mickey ears ice cream), but they never asked. I was very proud of them.

I have am of two minds on Disney World. The obvious, rampant, and unrelenting commercialism disturbs me. The "buy, buy, buy" coming at you from all sides is exhausting. The kids love it so much, though, and it really is magical. The characters never break, well, character, which is special for the kids. They really think they're meeting Snow White. The "cast members" (there are no employees at Disney!) are all courteous and helpful, and everything is clean and nice. You really can disconnect there. You see two types of kids and families. There are the kids who are obvious spoiled pains who are getting everything that they want, and then you see the kids for whom this is a dream come true. There are plenty of adults with no kids, too. That was me when I was 19, when Principal took me for the first time. In any case, the kids road tripped amazingly well, and we plan many camping trips in the near future.

Academy-wise, N is reading so well! He's not sounding things out nearly as much - he's just reading. He's within a day of finishing "Explode the Code Volume 1" and we have Volume 2 all ready to break out. He loves "Writing with Ease", as the selections that he is copying and narrating are so relevant to him. The first week was all "Little House in the Big Woods", and this week is "Pinocchio", which he loved, having just "met" Pinocchio in person! It is sparking his interest to read the originals, which, after all, is part of the plan.

Since I have gone back to teaching T math, we are having somewhat fewer problems, although some problems still persist. When Principal can teach her, she seems to enjoy it more. He has the kind of mind that can make lots of connections that I just don't. I pretty much go by the book. We really complement each other well, but, of course, he can't teach her every day, and she just has to get used to the fact that I am her teacher. For some reason, I still don't think she really likes that sometimes. If we're doing anything in the Humanities, she's fine, but math, not so. Maybe in some unconscious way, I'm telegraphing something to her, even though I am trying so hard not to. Ah, who knows?

As for the Magistra: my last freelance job has ended, and I am actively seeking more work. I have a phone interview with a neat political site today. I don't know if I agree with everything that the site promotes, but that's part of the interesting aspect of it. They are looking for a more right-leaning author, and I fit that bill. I think it would be a worthwhile project in which to participate, and it is very educational, particularly for younger people who are willing to plow through it. I really appreciate that. We'll see how it goes. It would be truly wonderful if it actually pays decently.

T thought that she was ready to recite her poem "A Slash of Blue" by Dickinson today without any advance recitation from me. I, rigid rule-adherer that I am, wanted to go through with the triple reading, since she has only had the poem for one day! I did the triple reading while tears streamed down her face. When it was her turn, she began to recite through clenched teeth. I gently reminded her that she had forgotten the title and author. She made an attempt at the title: "A Sweep of Blue by Emily Dickinson". I, again gently, suggested that maybe she didn't yet know the poem as well as she thought she did. Trembling with anger, and then laughter, she said, "I'm sorry, Mommy, but right now all I can think of is "A Smack of Blue by Emily Dickinson". This is truly my child...

Finally a small breakthrough with T. I have gone back to teaching her math, rather than having her read the lesson herself. Technichally, with Saxon 5/4, the student is able to read the lesson herself, and then do the problems. I have to remind myself, though, that although T is at the level of 5/4, she is younger, agewise. Hence, although it wreaks absolute havoc with my schedule, a deadly sin in Magistra-world, I have gone back to "teaching" her math. Maybe we can once again experience peace in the Academy.

A wonderful book that I cannot recommend enough to all of my friends (hmmm...that presents a problem - let's just say a wonderful book that I would recommend to anyone!): The Temperament God Gave You by Art and Laraine Bennett. I have always known that I am Melancholic. I did all of my Science Fair projects in school on temperament, in addition to taking a wonderful History of Science class in College, which discussed in depth the theory of "humors" in medicine. I have never heard such a wonderful explication of my temperament, though, as I read in this book. Even better the Bennetts go into depth about spousal temperament, marital temperament combinations, and, most beneficial for parents (I think particularly for homeschooling parents), your children's temperaments. How does a melancholic parent a sanguine? I know that I will find out as M-C continues to grow up. In any case, it was very nice to read aloud to Principal so many of the things that irk him about my personality as being classically "Melancholic". I never thought that I would conform exactly to anything, but (and there must be a lesson in humility in here somewhere), apparently I am not so very unique after all! Give the book a try in your marriage or in your book group. Alternatively, do yourself a favor and read it just for yourself. Melancholics are the best - the perfectionists - those with such high standards that anything short of Heaven is just not good enough - the poets and the philosophers (and also the depressives) - but go ahead and discover your temperament. Better yet, discover how you can help your spouse work with your temperament...oh, and I was kidding about Melancholics being the best. Sort of. Where was that lesson in humility again?

October 21, 2008
There are too many things flying around in my head. I guess I should stick primarily with Academy updates. T is almost finished with FLL 3, so we have 4 on the way (thank you Wise and Buffington). The teacher edition isn't even published yet, but I'm grateful to continue with the same series. We'll switch to Rod&Staff when we run out of FLL - heavy on the diagramming and the rote repitition of grammar. We will also be starting Writing with Ease, the WTM writing program, very recently published, and designed to work in tandem with FLL. Both T and N will be doing the writing program, so we will be trying to cram yet more into our already too full days. Principal will be the first to attest to the fact that balance is not a skill that I know.

T is still giving me fits. She is intelligent, but she is also incredibly moody. She has developed an attitude that I don't care for at all. I feel as if I am pulling teeth on a daily basis (dangerous considering the fact that she is currently missing 3, and 2 more are loose), and I don't know what to do about it. Patience is not a virtue with which the Good Lord blessed me, and Heaven knows that I don't want to pray for it (more opportunities to acquire it, you know - better to pray for the grace to accept what comes). It used to be that T was my rock. When the younger three were breaking down, at least I could count on one that was steady. Not so much now, at least at school. When school ends, the rock is back, though, so I suppose that I ought to focus on that, and assume that, yes, this too is a phase that will pass. It has to, because I don't think that we're going to make it otherwise! I keep holding on to the fact that St. Therese was also very moody and sensitive and would cry at the drop of a hat. One day, and she pinpoints the exact day, God gave her the grace to get over it. I pray that she will intercede for the same grace for T. Maybe she can throw in a good word for the Magistra, too!

I have started a new blog to help vent some of my political frustration. I used to enjoy political reparte, but I have gotten to the point where I am just plain defensive and mad. When did the decent people become the strange ones? When did valuing morals, standards, personal accountability, and the traditions which made our country great become something at which to sneer? I am so tired of being odd man out (yes - I said man. I have absolutely no problem with referring to myself in that way, you PC-crazy nuts. I am secure. I know that I am a woman. I have given birth 3 times - there's little doubt (oh, no wait - there was that pregnant man. Just give it time and we can throw that standard out the window, too, God help us). PC writing is awkward writing, and I refuse to bow to it). To that end, I now explicate and vent here: http://livinginobamerica.blogspot.com. Feel free to come by.

October 14, 2008
I refuse to remain undefined (a reference to where I think the date should be)! I thought the row over the editing was resolved, but apparently not exactly. The editor sent a memo, by way of my employer, justifying her changes. That's all fine and good, except she introduced errors into my piece where errors didn't previously exist! I pointed that fact out. We'll see if that was to my detriment or not. I feel as if I am walking a very fine line here. As Miss Farrell says to Miss Hannigan in "Annie", "It's an awful time to be out of work"...

Anyone who knows me knows that flexibility is not my strong suit. I am the original Hem (or Haw - I'm not particular). Please don't move my cheese. I suppose that I will eventually go find it, but I will be darn near death's doorstep before doing so. Said inflexibility probably explains why I am almost nervous that my children are not in school right now. They are sick. Well, the youngest three are. I have my doubts about T (reference earlier posts), but it is hard for her to resist the siren call of the TV (on during the day!), combined with the gray day and the pouring rain (she shares my penchant for the melancholy). I guess everyone is getting off with a bye (debate term again). I am very uneasy about it, but I need to get over it. It is October, and T is 2/3 of the way through her Language Book, and 1/3 of the way through Math. N is 1/2 way through Math. I would guess that we'll finish on time. On time for what I'm not sure. Armageddon? Only if Obama is elected - ha ha - a little political humor to lighten my day. Seriously, I guess that's why I believe in year round homeschooling - so a little going off schedule doesn't throw me into a tizzy. Except it does. I wonder what it feels like to relax. Principal says that I am this way because it works for me. Thank you, Dr. Phil. Seriously, though, since he's right about almost everything (Principal, not Dr. Phil), he's probably right about me, too. I must work best when I'm wound up. My primary concern is how it will affect my children. I grew up with someone who was very wound up. He always speculated that he would die of a heart attack. Ironically, he has mellowed to the point that I hardly recognize him, while I sort of wonder if I will make it to 40. How unfair that we as parents create our children in our image, and then we alter ourselves so that they can't even identify with us anymore. Parenting is such a great responsibility that I wonder daily how God ever entrusted me with it!

What a wonderful aid to my spiritual life. I will readily admit that I am more of a formulaic pray-er than a "talking and listening" to God pray-er (yes, I know that there are technical terms, but for once I'm not in the mood for them), and Magnificat (http://www.magnificat.com/english/index.asp) caters to that side of me marvelously. By offering new prayers each day, it keeps my prayer life from becoming *too* formulaic, and by providing the daily Mass readings, along with bios of lesser knowns saints and daily meditations, there is just the right amount of material. Now do I read everything every day? Sadly, no, but since T also utilizes it as a Mass aid, I feel as if we're getting our money's worth.

I have always felt the urge to write, and actually always *have* written, but for the first time I feel that I have a plausible novel idea (in fact, a novel idea that is novel -- why, oh why do I write parenthetically so much? I will clobber my children if they do this in compositions!). Now if only I could find the two books that I need for the most preliminary of research. They are hiding in my study under mounds of other books. The fact that I can't bring myself to dig in and look for them is probably somewhat telling, but I'll get there. I have to outline first anyway. I am choosing not to focus on the fact that without an agent, the chances of even getting a book in front of a publisher are slim and non-existent. Oh, and there are no vampires in it, so I may as well hang it up right now. Even I don't want to read a book without Edward in it.

My father told me recently not to worry because 90% of what we worry about doesn't come to pass, and the other 10% didn't end up being as bad as we worried it would be. Well, without worry my life would be meaningless (acutally, I think that sentence should more properly say "without Christ my life would be meaningless", but in my case, worry is what drives me. Well, worry and coffee drive me). Apart from that, though, he was right in this case. I was beyond vexed because the postings that I have been submitting to edHelperBaby have been receiving the most...creative editing known to writing. The editing resulted in my postings bearing no resemblance to my actual writing. I thought that I had given the matter due consideration when I emailed my boss (whom I have never met) telling him that the situation was not acceptable to me. Immediately afterward I was terrified that I would be fired. I *like* having a job, especially a freelance writing job related to children, a subject about which I know a thing or two. In any case, I practically made myself sick for a week, after which point my boss emailed back thanking me from bringing the situation to his attention. I am not sure what resolution that brings, but for now, I'll definitely take it. Maybe I should start listening to Principal when he tells me stop worrying. Something about my control issues is tied into all that worrying, though...when things start to spin out of control, I start to panic. I really think I need to read The Temperament God Gave You (http://www.amazon.com/Temperament-God-Gave-You-Yourself/dp/1933184027) and start coming to terms with a few aspects of my personality. More importantly, I need to come to terms with a few aspects of *Principal's* personality!